Hello reader! Guess what! I am a Cheese. Yup, you’re reading a story by a Cheese. But I wasn’t always a Cheese. You see I had a rather extraordinary life leading up to my Cheese-dom. Are you interested? Well here let me explain how a little Grass Seed becomes a Cheese.
As I said I started as a tiny little Grass Seed. I was as small as a baby’s fingernail! I was sitting in a bag with my brothers and sisters (I have about a thousand siblings) then I suddenly got picked up and planted out in Farmer Joe’s field. I was super excited! I even made up a song; well it was kinda a song. My song went like this. I’m a little Grass Seed but I’m gonna grow. I’m a little Grass Seed but I’m gonna grow. I’m a little Grass Seed but I’m gonna grow. Yeah it wasn’t the best song in the world but at the time I was too excited to care.
After about a year of growing-sprouting roots and shoots and making more seeds-the cows came. They were huge lumbering things that none of us had ever seen before. Some of my family was trampled under those giant feet and the rest of us were bitten down to the roots. I was one of the ones who got eaten. I was chewed and then swallowed and then chewed again. After a while I just gave up trying to escape and it actually started to be fun, like a water ride. And just then, plop, I dropped down into a part of the cow I’d never been before.
“Hello. Is anybody in here?” I practically shrieked.
“Shush.” said a voice.
“Who’s there?” I asked with a slight shaking in my voice, I’m sad to say.
“Just me.” Replied the voice as the person or thing it belonged to slushed into view. The person/thing was just a glob of some kind of white liquid.
“You must have just landed in here,” the person/thing continued, “I am Milk. And now I have another Milk friend!”
“Wait no,” I stammered completely confused, “I’m Grass not Milk.”
“You were Grass,” Milk explained, “but now that you’ve been through the cow you are Milk.”
“Oooohhhh okay” I still didn’t quite understand but Milk seemed nice enough so I decided to go along with it.
“And now we get to go out of the cow!” Exclaimed Milk obviously excited about leaving the safety of the inside of this cow. I was confused again.
“Out. Of. The. Cow?” I repeated.
“Yes out to become Cheese!” Milk shouted
“What’s a Cheese?” I was really confused now.
“I don’t know but I’d guess we’re about to find out!”
Unfortunately I didn’t have time to reply because something big and pink squeezed me out of the cow through a hole in the floor. Bonk! Owww why did the big pink thing push me out so hard, that landing really hurt. Looking around all I saw was a curved wall of shiny silver metal surrounding me. Except… there right above me was an opening and I could still see the cow. I tried to climb the wall. And landed with another painful bonk on the bottom of the whatever-I-was-in. I kept at it though. I tried over and over to climb that wall and over and over I fell. After what felt like hours I gave up and fell promptly asleep.
When I finally woke up it was to this enormous heat that felt like it was coming from the floor. I jumped up and started screaming. I was being boiled alive! “Why,” I cried, “Why?” Then suddenly the heat lessened. It didn’t go away completely but the temporary lapse of pain was enough to make me hope for release. My hope didn’t last long though, because from above came a wash of clear liquid that when it hit me stung like acid. The acid stuff burned through me and I could feel my body breaking apart piece by small piece. I blacked out.
Later I woke up here in this damp, dark place. I feel like it’s been years since I was that tiny Grass Seed. It’s as if I’ve seen the world in, how long was it? A day or two maybe? Anyway all I hope for now is that I don’t have to spend the rest of eternity down here. And that there aren’t any rats in here with me, just waiting to nibble on my cooling flesh. I wonder if this is all there is to life, a roller coaster ride that just flashes by and then a long period of quiet. Maybe I’ll just take a nap.
Oh! What’s happening! Where are you taking me? Oh my gosh something or someone is carrying me away! Oof. Did you have to through me that hard? I have a bad feeling about this. Something awful is going to happen I’m sure of it. Okay, okay calm down. No need to panic yet, just look around and find out where you are. I can see, a shiny silver something straight ahead. And it’s getting closer! Ow, ow, ow. The silver thing is sharp and I’m being rubbed up against it. I can feel parts of me breaking off just like before. Oooowwww… I’m all broken up now and the big thing has left me in this nice cold bowl. I welcome the relief though I’m sure it won’t last.
I was suddenly aware of heat, red hot inescapable heat. This is it I thought. My final adventure. There was no way out, no inexplicable savior, this time I wasn’t gonna make it. Yet oddly I wasn’t afraid. In pain yes but not scared. It was as if I had finally had enough and I was ready for it to be over. “Goodbye world” I whispered and my thoughts and body slowly floated away. I was gone.
We’re sorry but the author of this story was tragically melted into a pizza and eaten. But his story will be remembered forever as the first, first-hand account of what it’s like to be a Cheese. Rest in Peace Cheese.
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